Two Homes for the Holidays
Holidays are weighty – emotionally and logistically. In fact, in the brief history of this blog I’ve already devoted my writing to thoughts on Valentine’s Day (ugh) and Mother’s Day (commmmplex). Now it is December. The winter holidays are their own special beast, with unique considerations for two-household families. The celebration hopes and expectations of one’s children, the wishes and traditions of extended family on all sides, travel arrangements, co-parents’ new partners, and more promise to test hearts and co-parenting mettle over the next month. There will be moments, days, or weeklong stretches that feel like too much pressure and chaos and others that will feel like not enough, because you miss your damn kids.
Whether children of two-household families are of minor age or adults, co-parenting with clarity and grace is the most enduring gift to a child. Curiosity is a search and rescue light for the path to clarity and grace – use it to find your way.
If you’re hearing reluctance from your child about spending time, or a holiday, with your co-parent, pause and be curious before assuming why that is. Ask an age appropriate, gentle, open version of, “Can you share your concerns with me about spending the holiday with your Dad/Mom?…or…Can you tell me your biggest worries about the holiday?”
As a parent it can be reflex to assume there is something at the other house a child wishes to avoid. If that is what you hear, then more curiosity may be in order… “Would you like my help or suggestions for how to manage that? Have you shared that concern with your Dad/Mom?”
However, it’s not uncommon to learn that your child’s concern is if you will be okay without them for a holiday. In this case, you can relieve them of worries about you and conflicted feelings about enjoying their time with your co-parent. Letting your child know you’re going to be okay might sound like, “My hope is that you will enjoy the holiday with your Mom/Dad. I’ll be excited to hear anything you want to share with me when you come back.”
If they let you know being away from you will be difficult, validate those feelings, but let them know you’re going to be okay, “Yes, this will be hard, but I’m going to be okay. You don’t have to take care of my feelings. You need to take care of your feelings – sharing your feelings with me is a way you’re already doing that. Keep it coming.”
If being apart for the holidays is new, know, remember and share that it won’t always feel this way. This might sound like, “This is going to be new and challenging, but we’re going to get through it together. It takes time to adjust to changes. We’ll keep talking and learning about how this can feel better.” And then keep talking and learning about how it can feel better!
Be curious about the holiday time that you will share with you children too. Whether two-household holidays are new or not, check in with your kids about holiday plans and traditions. What can stay the same as years’ past? Do they want to keep those traditions or try new ideas? What changes to traditions do new living arrangements or new partners mean to the holidays? What feelings and ideas do they have for adjusting to those new circumstances?
All this curiosity may present you with feelings, ideas, and questions from your children that aren’t easy to hear. Repeat after me, “I hear what you’re saying, I’ll think on that… Got it. Thanks for sharing that. I’m going to consider it.” When your chest tightens or your heart aches, slow down and ask for time to process. However, do circle back to them and address it soon. You may not want to or might even wonder if you really need to. You do. Even if they forgot what they said or asked for, knowing you remembered is a giant deposit in the bank of trust and good will to be built with your child.
As for you, parent, be curious with yourself as well. How do you want the holiday time without your kids to feel? What can you do to move closer to that feeling for yourself? How would you like the holiday time you have with your children to feel? What will move you closer to that feeling? What is actually in your control? What must you accept so that your children feel you want joy for them?
Curiosity is the most powerful tool we have in communication and now is an important time to use it. Let your children know you see them. Hard things are hard, but knowing care and validation are nearby makes moving through them an opportunity for closeness and affirms love.
Happy Holidays.