A Truer Mother’s Day
I’ve been in a pointed struggle with this piece for weeks, but that’s nothing compared to the emotional melee Mother’s Day has been over my lifetime. The most obvious indicator that I’m not alone in my complex feelings is the wealth of confessions and tirades others have boldly written in opposition to the holiday. Moreover, I’m aware of a weightiness in the quiet reluctance of many to embrace it entirely or to speak of it at all.
A Google search of the phrase “I love Mother’s Day” resulted in nothing but lists of cheery quotes, poems, and songs to celebrate “great” moms, best gifts lists and shopping promotions (I stopped hoping for a different result around page 25). In contrast, a search of “I hate Mother’s Day” spilled a deluge of upset onto my screen. Perhaps my feeble command of Search Engine Optimization doesn’t allow me to speak fairly to those who might have written something praising the joyous virtues of Mother’s Day. However, I can report that from the Los Angeles Times to Psychology Today there are a variety of voices outlining their “hate” for this lady-shaped hellion of a holiday and countless calls for it to be cancelled.
In reading the reasons stated by the haters I heard and felt their pain, sadness, and conflict. I am the first “one” in “it takes one to know one” in recognizing how easy and tempting it is to reject and rage at what stirs up hurt, self-doubt, or grief. The feelings in the quieter, vulnerable, terribly uncomfortable space that often precedes anger doesn’t align with the tenor of how we are commonly expected to acknowledge Mother’s Day. Crowded champagne brunches, pampering-themed gifts and extolling The Mother don’t leave much room for grieving, hurt, yearning, envy, and resentment. Without space for the uncomfortable feelings evoked by the topic of Mother, I too have been tempted to reject the day outright.
This year I sat with my daughters and shared with them what Mother’s Day brings up for me. In the honesty of what I shared I recognized the gravity and complexity of the holiday for me. I was certain that if it stirred a labyrinthine world of emotion in me, that many people were wrestling with feelings far more varied and acute. That conversation with my girls left me feeling closer to them and connected to myself. It also made me realize that Mother’s Day would be better served as a more meaningful holiday than rejected as meaningless or dismissed altogether.
The solemnity has been lost forever in several holidays that were established for us to pause, reflect, and poignantly honor. They have become three-day weekends and sales opportunities. The idea that Mother’s Day should be reframed to sincerely honor its range of emotional implications isn’t a fight I’ll be taking to retailers, but I do offer the idea to you.
Of course, there are reasons and mothers to celebrate joyously this Mother’s Day. However, weightier for many on Mother’s Day will be a reckoning with mothers we miss, mothers that hurt us, mothers we hurt, mothers with regrets, mothers missing children they have lost, unfulfilled wishes to be a mother, conflicted stepmothers, single fathers watching their kids hurting and so much more. Mother’s Day is as complex as being, having, not being and not having a mother – which is to say it’s not always or obviously joyous or easy to do, tolerate or reconcile. That said, it may offer an opportunity for self-reflection and fostering intimate bonds by sharing with vulnerability.
There is always value in pausing in your truth. Give yourself a gift this Mother’s Day – the permission to feel anything and everything it makes you feel. Use this holiday to honor your feelings about The Mother.
– A very special thank you to my talented editor, Skyler Jacobs.