Five Reasons I Am Grateful for My Marriage (Now That It’s Over)
A marriage doesn’t need to last a lifetime to cultivate growth, gratitude and relational rewards that go the distance. My marriage was full of enduring gifts — following are just a few of them.
1. My two extraordinary children are a product of my marriage. They are both smart, funny, resourceful, and assertive. That’s not just luck – it’s a mix of stuff my ex-husband and I had right between us, and it is expressed in our parenting. He and I may have been drawn together by magnetics math lacking some long-game elements of the equation, but our girls have the best of what was best about us together. Now that we’re apart, they have each of us at our individual best, poised for even better.
2. I spent nearly 20 years of my adulthood in a dynamic that offered me opportunities to grow in unforeseen ways. In gardening the term “residue” refers to the plant litter that remains on the soil after a plant is harvested or dies. I planted my marriage wishes in soil rich with hope and intention, but what grew was not what I imagined. I hadn’t accounted for the residue on our soil. Plant residues are considered a good thing in gardening as they provide a variety of benefits to the soil for future growth. Importantly though, these residues contribute elements of themselves to the soil with which they mingle. My ex-husband and my respective residues infused our soil in ways that shaped what we grew together. My examination of that curious plant, and contending with its struggle to survive, was very painful. And so, at 48, what warning would I offer twenty-something year-old me? None. Our marriage left residue that allows me to sow new seeds in the most robust soil I have yet to know.
3. Knowing a feeling of goodwill. Cambridge Dictionary defines “goodwill” as, “friendly and helpful feelings” and “part of a company's value that includes things that cannot be directly measured.” Co-parenting is a partnership with a shared investment. Being human generally inspires us to act in support, defense, and protection of ourselves – sometimes impeding our ability to nourish goodwill with a partner. Being a parent asks us to act in support, defense, and protection of our children – moving our focus from self to another and in the case of parenting, a shared other. Differences from and with our children’s other parent that are framed as issues between the adults can encourage Self Mode over Parent Mode. The farther we are from Parent Mode the more difficult it becomes to recognize what is in our children’s best interest. This is a disservice to our children and starves the goodwill in the co-parenting relationship. I have found it easier to stay in Parent Mode as a co-parent because the bigger emotional tangle of the marriage isn’t distracting me. I have a clearer view to what is best for our children looking singularly through the Parent Mode lens and the goodwill that dynamic fosters between their father and I is a new and rewarding sensation for me. The value of the goodwill in our co-parenting partnership can’t be measured, but I’m certain of its value when I see it reflected in my children’s experience of their parents.
4. I appreciate my value as a partner. In my 15 years of marriage, I was getting some crucial things wrong, but I was getting some meaningful things right. The tricky bit is that my value as a partner is only sifted out from my crappier qualities as a partner by having been a partner. With the benefit of this perspective I am inspired, now more than ever, to consider with humility how I hurt others so that I may correct for it in whatever ways are left to do so. I also deeply appreciate knowing what I get right with others so I can continue to offer it. I know some of what I was getting right in my marriage and am grateful for every opportunity to apply those qualities in my relationships and my work as I move forward through my life.
5. I know I can make a make a professional comeback. Being a stay-at-home mama was literally a dream come true. I built an exciting and successful career in the years before I had my first baby, but even the coolest, most stimulating job couldn’t deter me from my wish. I was extremely fortunate that my ex-husband’s income allowed this arrangement with relative ease, but even so, well before we were ready to delve into parenthood, I was vocal and deliberate on this topic. When we bought our first apartment, when we planned a vacation, when we traded that apartment up to more house… I was clear that I didn’t want any of those things if they would interfere with my “staying home” with our children until I was done being home. About 12 years into motherhood, I was done being home full-time. Our marriage having ended or not, the time was right to add work – to enrich my life, invigorate my mind and to model my professional capacity to the two young women I am raising. That said, I wouldn’t have been facing the same urgency to fully support myself that I am facing now if I was still married. This means that my marriage supported my wish to be home, but its end required a very substantial comeback – a plan and the courage to go from an extended professional dead stop to a viable strategy to be self-sufficient for the next 40+ years (my people have a history of living into their 90’s). Reader, I’m on that path! The plan is good, the courage is flowing, and the work is the most rewarding professional endeavor I’ve ever known.
I’d love to hear about the gifts you recognize from your marriage — email me at carolyn@allyindivorce.com or dm @allyindivorce on Instagram.