Two Households, One Camper
Arthur S. Siegel, 1942. Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, FSA/OWI Collection, LC-DIG-fsa-8d21681
With summer nearly upon us, some families are preparing for sleepaway camp. Although camp can be a significant financial and emotional ask, research supports the meaningful, long-term benefits to children who attend. A recent five-year Camp Impact Study conducted by the University of Utah in partnership with the American Camp Association, shows that camp offers opportunities for social-emotional learning and the development of executive function and leadership skills that serve young people well beyond camp and into adulthood.
That said, camp presents varied demands for any family – scheduling, paperwork, tuition and supply costs, etc. Coordinating and managing these issues for a two-household family can present additional, unique challenges.
Audrey Monke is the Owner, Director and Chief Visionary Officer of Gold Arrow Camp in California. Monke is also the author of Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults. Monke generously agreed to speak with me and our conversation revealed several opportunities for ace co-parenting and an idea for two-household continuity.
In terms of co-parenting cooperation around camp, Monke has seen a range of conduct from seamless, coordinated efforts to awkward struggles over scheduling and payments. As she reflected on the most challenging examples, the fundamental co-parenting tenet begged to be invoked: Act in the best interest of the child. Which is to say, if both parents are committed to decisions and a process that sincerely has their child’s experience in mind, the path to, at and from camp may not be without discomfort, but it should be with a shared commitment to the camper’s best interests.
If co-parents are unclear, or struggle, about who’ll do what for camp – forms, supply shopping, packing, etc. – and deadlines are missed or preparations suffer, it is the child that is shortchanged. To support the best possible camp experience for your child, work directly with your co-parent (not through your child) to share the related responsibilities in a timely manner. For some this may be easily accomplished in a few phone calls. A more precarious co-parenting dynamic may require more intentional, written communication. Regardless of the circumstances, begin by reflecting on your and your co-parent’s respective strengths when setting out to divide the workload.
For example, are forms your jam? Camp requires a lot of paperwork to be filled on deadline – some routine and some that require more reflection on the camper’s social and emotional needs. Monke stressed that when a parent fills those forms with care, and returns them on time, counselors and staff are able to prepare to provide that camper with an optimal camp experience.
Is your co-parent generally game for a shopping challenge? If so, the packing list is long and varied. Perhaps your co-parent will even have an opportunity to shine in their contribution, allowing you to cultivate good will by expressing appreciation for their skills and effort. “I have confidence in your ability to tackle this packing list. I’d be glad to fill the forms and stay on top of the payments. How does that sound?”
Monke is keenly aware of the struggles that can ensue around custody schedules and camp dates. Choosing a camp session may require tolerating disruption and reorganizing the schedule. Child-centered co-parenting encourages us to look at a custody schedule as your child’s time and how that time is spent, as opposed your time to have your child in your home. What is being managed is your child’s time and camp is for and about them. Strive to see the schedule accommodations you might need to make as a contribution to your child, rather than a loss you’ve suffered to your co-parent.
When it comes to drop-offs and pick-ups, if both parents will attend then stand together when waiting for your child. If your child steps off the bus from camp (or the field after their game, or the stage of the school play, or from the delivery room holding your newborn grandchild) and you and your co-parent are not waiting for them together, your child must choose which parent to go to first. This is a subtle, but stressful choice.
Finally, a tender and engaging idea that Monke and I came to by the end of our meeting. Monke’s book, Happy Campers, shares thoughtful, impactful ideas for bringing the magic of camp home. I asked her if there were any camp values or practices that might be especially useful to a camper with two homes. Monke pointed out that camp is unique in that a child has had an extended, immersive experience that didn’t involve either of their parents. In the case of siblings at camp together, they have had an experience that bonds them that was distinctly independent of their parents. She encourages all campers’ parents to ask if there are any traditions that they enjoyed at camp that they might like to integrate at home, such as daily sharing of “highs and lows” or card games after dinner. In the case of a two-household family, if the child’s suggestion can be honored in both homes there is an exceptional gain. Regardless of where the child is there will be an expression of their treasured, independent experience. This creates a sense of continuity between homes while nurturing their sense of self.
The list of what camp offers reads like the perfect prescription for all humans to thrive: unplugged, in-person connection with peers from varied backgrounds, time in the outdoors, exercise and a set schedule that allows for adequate sleep. If you’re raising a camper, you’re giving them a gift that will resonate for a lifetime. Keep the focus on your child’s experience and you’ll all do great.
For many families camp is a financial impossibility. To make the benefits of camp available to more young people, donate to the organizations below:
A Thousand Summers: https://athousandsummers.org/
SCOPE: https://scopeusa.org/
Max and Marion Caldwell Foundation: https://caldwellfoundation.org/
A very special thanks to Audrey Monke for her time and wisdom.