Who Left Who: Usually Debatable and a Stand That Hinders Growth

If two people are walking together and one stops while the other continues walking, did the person who keeps walking leave? Or did the person who stopped walking end the pair’s progress together by stopping? Apply my questions to the end of a marriage. Has the spouse who finally says, “I want a divorce,” left the marriage or did the spouse who stonewalled or played dead for years in the marriage abandon the relationship long before their spouse resolved to carry on without them?

The sense that one’s spouse or partner gave up on their relationship inspires anxiety, fear, anger, and confusion. For some this wave of emotions happens during the course of the relationship – when one sees their partner as having “stopped walking” alongside them. Stopping felt like a lack of effort, noticing, listening, care. Perhaps the partner who appears to have stopped participating got stuck somewhere – overwhelmed or lost in what was challenging for them in the relationship. That person might tell us that they looked up one day to find they had been left behind on a path where they no longer saw the way.

Your partner may have called an end to your relationship, but would they agree with you that they suddenly abandoned your journey together? Is it possible that their efforts to keep you with them may have felt courageous from the steep turn at which they reached for you, but their hand was imperceptible from your position?

If you said the words, “I want to end this relationship” are you bothered that your former partner flatly accuses you of leaving them? Have you been able to accept that their experience was being left, even if you feel you made a courageous effort to invite them into repair with you?

The pain of being left – whether you were left behind or left alone in your effort – is pain. Either party might feel abandoned and that’s real and awful heartache either way.

However, seeking validation for any story of being left can feed anger, shame, denial, and whatever other obstacle that pursuit might put in the way of healing. Each time one returns to the indignity of having been left they pause their personal healing and forward movement. Occasional pauses are inevitable, even useful, but stuck is stuck. And each time one returns to this debate with their former partner they flirt with regression – not just back to the story, but back in the story.

What would it feel like to accept your former partner’s experience of your relationship’s ending? Not to agree that it’s your shared story of that ending, but to accept it as the truth of their experience while remaining certain you had a different experience.

What might that acceptance afford you? If you unloaded the equipment it takes to discredit their story, what new stories would you have the space to write? What muscles are you using to hold your story in place that acceptance might liberate? What valued connections could you use those muscles to cultivate? What future possibilities might you feel braver to move toward?

Accepting the story of someone who hurt or betrayed you is hard. Allow me to offer a few ideas that might help you to start at this effort. First, keep in mind that you don’t need to like their story. You also don’t need to tell them you accept it! However, it is crucial that you are willing to be kind enough to yourself to move beyond it.

Important note: This piece of writing aims to speak to relationships without dangerous conditions. In cases of abuse, addiction or other gravely threatening situations, the timeliness of leaving a relationship is not up for deliberation.