The Legacy of Rejecting Coercive Control: What Children Learn About Safety and Love

The Ally In Divorce Dear Self Project aims to raise awareness about coercive control and its impact on families. An invitation for reader submissions to the project follows.

Domestic abuse can take the form of psychological control rather than physical violence – what researchers and courts now recognize as coercive control. Several U.S. states now include coercive control within domestic violence laws. In family life, coercive control is pernicious, often unseen and difficult to name, even for those living in it. Its effects are cumulative, with expectations and conditions layered over time that reshape a person’s sense of safety and self. Even without physical violence, a controlling partner achieves power through restrictions, manipulation, and implied consequences. This can show itself in myriad ways, including isolation disguised as protection, financial restriction, questioning perception, and conditional affection.

Changing one’s part in a relationship shaped by coercive control is a declaration, for themselves and their children, that dignity and emotional safety are fundamental. Empirical studies indicate that children internalize exposure to interparental coercive control. Ongoing exposure to emotional tension, unpredictable responses, and restricted expression is associated with increased risk of anxiety and depression for children. A parent’s rejection of coercive control has the power to alter what their children recognize as acceptable in love and partnership. While such exposure increases the risk of anxiety and depression, it does not define a child’s outcomes. When exposure is reduced and replaced with steady and responsive care, even if it requires reorganizing a family, children can develop a renewed sense of safety and connection. Research shows that when children are supported in naming, tolerating, and expressing their emotions, they are best equipped for enduring well-being.

An invitation to reflect on what your choice has made possible through the Dear Self Project:

If you are a parent choosing to reject coercive control, I invite you to write a note of reflection to yourself. What can you offer to the self that has implemented new or restored ways to hold your own in expressing needs, resisting provocation, and navigating finances and parenting matters? What do you hope this models for your children? There are no parameters – write a line or a page. With your permission, I may share portions of what you submit – anonymously – to raise awareness of this form of abuse and encourage other parents seeking change. If you know someone with whom this might resonate, please forward it to them.

Some writing prompts, in case they’re helpful:

• When I chose to set boundaries, I wanted my child to see…

• The change I am living tells my child that love …

• What I hope to model for my child through this shift is…

• If my child asks why things changed, I want them to understand that…