When Your Co-Parent Disappoints Your Child
Parenting experts ask us not to criticize our child’s other parent to our child – solid advice. It's uncomfortable for anyone to hear someone that they love, and want to trust, judging or badmouthing someone else they also care about. The depth of love and loyalty being affected in children when hearing criticism by one parent about their other parent is especially tough. Moreover, children see themselves as an amalgam of both parents, so criticism of their other parent can find its way into the child’s sense of self too.
For these reasons, when your co-parent disappoints you, aim to express your frustration to a coach or therapist, in a sweaty workout, or perhaps through some unvarnished journaling, rather than to your child. You might slip up sometimes. Clean it up, recalibrate, and move forward with intention.
What about when your co-parent disappoints your child? Ugh, ouch, grrrrr.
As a divorce coach, I see clients contending with an unfortunate array of disappointments for their children by their co-parents. My clients’ heartache or ire on behalf of their children often has them wrestling with how to move in support of their children. Together we explore how they might validate their child’s feelings without criticizing their co-parent.
Some parents with the laudable goal of avoiding criticism of their co-parent lose sight of their child’s emotional needs. This happens when their child offers them precious access to vulnerable pain and frustration and the parent steps over the child’s feelings to avoid potential criticism of the other parent – they might make light of what their child shared or quickly change the topic. This reminds me of researcher psychologists John and Julie Gottman’s cautioning that emotional withdrawal, or “turning away,” when someone needs emotional support is a subtle form of betrayal. No response to the hurt or concern a child shares risks leaving them feeling alone and with doubt about the validity of their feelings.
I see other parents whose natural wish to protect their child from potential wounding drives them to mislead the child about their co-parent’s choices or behavior – they might cover for their co-parent’s misstep or rationalize hurtful behavior. By concealing the truth, they risk their child’s trust in them and deprive the child of an opportunity to connect directly with their other parent. Rationalizing hurtful behavior can erode the child’s confidence in their intuition and models acceptance of poor treatment from others.
This is not to suggest that the path to becoming a dependable source of solace for your child is to be an honesty agent for your co-parent’s personal choices. However, I do propose that lies and excuses made for your co-parent erode trust between you and your child and hinder the possibility of an authentic relationship between your child and your co-parent. Over time, the buffering and protection you have done can contribute to confusing dynamics with your child and resentment on your part toward the co-parent you championed.
Let’s look at this in practice. Molly and Sam are co-parents to Otto. Sam is reliably unreliable – often looking to forgo Otto’s scheduled time with him, completely detached from Otto during Otto’s time with Molly, and regularly missing school meetings and performances. After receiving announcements from school and having access to a post by Molly on their shared parenting calendar, Sam is a no-show at Otto’s class play.
Otto comes off stage into a warm hug from Molly. “Where is Dad?” Molly dreads the disappointment the answer will evoke. She considers making an excuse for Sam but instead takes a breath and moves with intention in her son’s vulnerability. Molly is honest up to the line of what she actually knows about Sam’s whereabouts and then is available for her son’s feelings.
“Your dad isn’t here.”
When Otto’s sad eyes look up at Molly, she resists the quick urge to soften the blow with a baseless buffer such as, “I’m sure he wanted to be here.” Instead, Molly shifts her focus from propping up Sam to being available to Otto and says, “How’re you feeling, Otto?”
If Otto shares hurt, anger, or worry Molly can respond without criticizing Sam or taking on Sam’s choice as hers to repair. Following are some ways that might look:
Otto: I’m sad Dad’s not here.
Molly: I understand that it makes you sad. Do you think you might be able to share those feelings with Dad? … maybe… Do you want help thinking about how to do that?
Otto: Dad never comes to stuff! I’m so mad at him!
Molly: I hear your frustration, Otto. What’s your instinct to do about that? … or… Have you ever shared your mad feelings with your dad? …maybe… How did that go? …or… Do you want to talk more about sharing your frustration with your dad?
Otto: What if Dad was in a car accident or something?
Molly: I’ll check that he’s safe.
If Otto does accept Molly’s offer to help – and she keeps her own disappointment and frustration with Sam out of the conversation with Otto – Molly will be able to help Otto explore ideas or fears about talking with his dad. From this position, Molly and Otto considering how Otto might talk with his dad could look and feel much the way it would for them to talk through how Otto might approach anyone about his feelings.
Otto may pass on Molly’s offer to support him in talking to Sam. Perhaps talking with his mom about his dad stirs up a loyalty conflict for Otto. If he does decline, Molly could offer Otto other options for a trusted adult with whom to think things through.
This constellation of responses allows Otto to feel seen and supported by Molly without Molly criticizing Sam. Furthermore, by inviting Otto to turn to another trusted adult to work through his thoughts, Molly demonstrates that she doesn’t expect to be the only place Otto should expect to feel seen, heard, and supported.
When your child shares their upset with you, they are trusting you with vulnerable feelings – treat this as the precious opportunity that it is. Be a safe place to land no matter the players in your child’s story.