Leap
“You’re right there… it’s so close… I’m sure of it.” The possibility of meaningful change was imperceptible to me, but somehow palpable to my loving, supportive friend. She didn’t feel my proximity to change because she had information that I didn’t, she just knew me. In my story, questioning and wondering she sensed readiness. And as it turned out, she was right.
My marriage had essentially ended eighteen months prior. However, it wasn’t until just after this talk with my friend that my ex-husband and I agreed to divorce and start at forging new, clearly separate lives. I pressed into a flood of change – some days with grace and good humor, but often with stumbles that tested my humility and stirred my insecurities. Treacherous as it was, my divorce journey offered me an unparalleled opportunity to recognize and connect to a dynamic, anchoring sense of self.
Many powerful forces served to undermine that sense of self in my life before marriage. I brought a person to that relationship that had been shaped by a lifetime of conflicting messaging about my self-worth. Over the course of our relationship my ex-husband and my respective needs and vulnerabilities built into a quiet storm of heartache, loneliness, and anger.
As was inevitable, I began to see my sadness, dissatisfaction and anxiety becoming a detriment to my children’s happiness. Until I could allow myself to admit that connection, I had felt certain that a nuclear family fastened in place by a marriage was more important to my children than my individual happiness. However, these are not two ideas, they are one – to recognize this is to know wholeness and true devotion.
In her book, Untamed, Glennon Doyle captures what I had come to realize when she writes, “My children do not need me to save them. My children need to watch me save myself.”
I found the support I required to reframe my shame, our family’s challenges and eventually my life. I did not take lightly the cataclysm I brought to my daughters’ lives through divorcing, but I knew I must live what I hope for them – a life lived courageously and true to myself. I saw no other way to honor my absolute love for them.
My ex-husband and I have emerged in the light beyond our separation process with a wealth of good will and mutual respect between us. Our children have better parents now.
Adam Grant writes, “Worrying is a sign of uncertainty: you’re anxious about what might go wrong. Thinking can help you tolerate uncertainty, but it’s action that reduces uncertainty. You don’t have to wait for fear to fade before you take the leap. Taking the leap is how you conquer fear.”
Facing the unknown beyond my marriage was terrifying. I reached toward the whisper of knowing and wanting that was just outside of my immediate view and leapt. Again, my friend wasn’t psychic, but now I understand that she could see the options and possibilities that lay just beyond the narrow spotlight I had on my life at that time.
Broadening our spotlight is difficult to do alone. Even remembering that our options or thinking are limited by our perception is challenging. Broadening that view on our own is really heaving lifting. If we’re lucky, we have a curious, objective mind in our support system to turn to when we’re lost, stuck or afraid. A coach helps a client identify their priorities, explore and broaden their perspective, and pursue the best possible outcomes. A Divorce Coach applies these practices to the specific tasks, challenges, and emotional strains of the separation and divorce process. My work as a Certified Divorce Coach reflects my values, honors my journey, and provides me with endless opportunity to appreciate the beauty and complexity of the human heart. I can imagine no greater privilege or joy.